Art and Anger


Anger rests inside me without
my awareness. Do you resonate?
Over time, becoming skilled at
"stuffing" it I suffered in

It's destructive nature lived
in my body manifesting in other
forms of expression. Art wasn't
one of them, but the feelings
were there, brewing. A poison 
all too familiar to my soul.

Why? I wonder hasn't this been more 
present on the canvas. Buried
below a need to seek the beauty 
and color of life, I ignored 
the frequent turmoil rumbling inside me. 

Having read endless stories of
artists with anguish and anger. Those
who didn't hold back and have
used it to create great work or speak
to social injustice. I admired
their candor, their dark side.
Looking back, painting and drawing
were places I could go and
find some peace growing up.
Time failed to exist as I
settled into a place of my own.
A conversation would unfold in
abstract terms without voices and
I was heard when I couldn't be 
anywhere else. 

I remember feeling anger in working
with the two paintings shared here. 
The landscape has since been destroyed.
I hated it and struggled for some
weeks, finally calling it
quits. The rage, frustration
and anguish in it's construction
were blatant. Searching for something
I just couldn't reach. Oh how that typified
everything in my life for so long. 

Experiencing it today sadness surfaces.
I see it's beauty and wonder why
I didn't give it more time, more
space to just "Be" for awhile. 

The figurative piece was created as 
an overt expression of anger. It's the
only painting that I can recall ever
doing where this was part of the
intention. Using my left hand (non-dominant)
this was constructed in active feelings
of rage. An expression of myself clouded by
darkness wanting to find the light
as life was erupting around me.
Betrayal, lies and harms to my most
vulnerable parts left me reeling inside
with shame, self-hatred and an inability
to see someone else's part in the mess.

For me, anger may come out more on
the written page. A poem surfaced
this morning organically and it felt
good, creative and honest. Right now
I'm going to continue processing my 
anger that way and maybe someday pare
the poetic raw verse with paintings of
an opposing cheerful nature. Afterall
I have both! 

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