Mother’s Day and the Watercolor Paintings

5/14/17 Notes to Myself:

Mother's Day. I'm a mother 
with a daughter. And a
daughter without a mother.

At times I think I've felt
like an empty cable car. It's 
hard to remember what my mother
looked like it's been so long 
since her passing. I was 24.

Last night I remembered some
watercolor paintings I had stored
in an old portfolio of mine.
I decided to pull them out
because they are my mothers.

She was an extremely talented
woman. Not a painter like myself
but she did paint at times before
I was born and maybe a short
while after.

I like this one of hers with the cable
car in San Francisco. Red is one
of my favorite colors and this
piece reminds me of my childhood. 

I didn't really know my mom
in a way that a daughter needs
to. It might have been nice
to talk about painting and to
hear about what she might have
wanted to do or be as an adult.
I know she became a teacher but
I don't know if that was her
hearts desire. She was always

Visiting with her paintings
feels affirming. I see that
as a painter, my hearts desire 
didn't come from no where. 
It has roots and even though 
I often felt like I was on an 
island growing up, I see now 
she might have been with me. 
The lineage of women
artists continues. My daughter's
an artist who got off
the cable car well before I did
to look around the island.
I'm not sure my mother ever
had the chance. 

I do think she's here though.
Perhaps helping me to see there
has been a plan and the 
mother I've become is in part
the mother she had hoped to be
but couldn't. She got lost growing up.

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