What’s Really Inside?

1/8/16 Notes to Myself:

Do you really want to look at what's inside?

Lot's on my heart and mind this week. 
Maybe I need to sugar coat my post 
because it's painful to write.


My painting of "Donuts" is a sugar
coating I suppose. And there are similar 
paintings to go with it as part of response
and commentary to a call for art. 

It's hard to sugar coat suicide and I lost 
a friend to that this week. I don't want to 
look inside! This isn't a comfortable 
topic for me. Yet, I find myself needing 
to talk about it as part of my own healing.

And while the connection to my painting
is too much for me to articulate
right now. There are many layers of 
connection.

My friend was a very outwardly
caring human being. There for others
with insight.  He did speak of challenges
however didn't speak to the depth
of his pain. Not that I could have
done anything.  Maybe he couldn't be
that honest with himself because the
pain was too great. I don't know.

Suicide is so disturbing. I think because
it speaks to human vulnerability and
powerlessness. There was nothing I could
have done. I was a friend. As much as
he was there for others it seems to me
he just couldn't let others be there 
for him or ask for help. 

He had light but couldn't see it in
himself.  Perhaps too covered up by
past pain and trauma. The nasty things
inside we all can carry around. They subvert 
us from our own beauty. We have
a right to know and own our beauty.

So while I mourn I carry now with me
the light I saw in him and feel with more
fervor the responsibility to continue to
unearth and share mine! That's how he
lives on and how I heal. 




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