1/8/16 Notes to Myself: Do you really want to look at what's inside? Lot's on my heart and mind this week. Maybe I need to sugar coat my post because it's painful to write. My painting of "Donuts" is a sugar coating I suppose. And there are similar paintings to go with it as part of response and commentary to a call for art. It's hard to sugar coat suicide and I lost a friend to that this week. I don't want to look inside! This isn't a comfortable topic for me. Yet, I find myself needing to talk about it as part of my own healing. And while the connection to my painting is too much for me to articulate right now. There are many layers of connection. My friend was a very outwardly caring human being. There for others with insight. He did speak of challenges however didn't speak to the depth of his pain. Not that I could have done anything. Maybe he couldn't be that honest with himself because the pain was too great. I don't know. Suicide is so disturbing. I think because it speaks to human vulnerability and powerlessness. There was nothing I could have done. I was a friend. As much as he was there for others it seems to me he just couldn't let others be there for him or ask for help. He had light but couldn't see it in himself. Perhaps too covered up by past pain and trauma. The nasty things inside we all can carry around. They subvert us from our own beauty. We have a right to know and own our beauty. So while I mourn I carry now with me the light I saw in him and feel with more fervor the responsibility to continue to unearth and share mine! That's how he lives on and how I heal.