5/12/15 Notes to Myself:
"And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." ~ J.K. Rowling I started this post last week and didn't finish. Not certain I wanted to write about a "rock bottom" because it's painful and I think I'm still falling! Without going into too much detail I've had a number of "rock bottoms" or at least that's how they've felt. The sudden death of my mother when I was 24 and having my spouse tell me one day that he didn't want to be married anymore. These were abrupt unexpected events that did bring me to a place of questioning everything. Leaving me feeling fearful,vulnerable, wounded and uncertain. The end of my marriage has been the tipping point for me to do a lot of healing work. It was either that or be taken down inside by the loss I felt. It's been that journey that has helped me realize there was another less abrupt bottom going on for a long time. I had been in a continuing state of "leaving" myself. This is where "rebuilding" has begun for me. I realize there may be more bottoms in this process, as I emerge out of the old and into the new. This is very scary. Today I choose to look at bottoms as a state of "falling into". I read that somewhere. It seems more alive as a perspective and I want to "live". I think grace happens as a course of "falling into". Perhaps that's the very purpose of a "bottom". It can "bring you to your knees" as they say. In that sense these life altering events are gifts because I have had to surrender to the reality that I can't heal myself and that I have been wounded. Reconnecting with my art and painting are grace in action and I know that because it's through my creativity that I am getting my self back! All I have to do is let it take over and remove the stuff that was never mine to begin with. That's not easy!