Rock Bottom

5/12/15 Notes to Myself:


 "And so rock bottom became the solid foundation
 on which I rebuilt my life." ~ J.K. Rowling

I started this post last week and didn't
finish. Not certain I wanted to write 
about a "rock bottom" because it's
painful and I think I'm still falling!

Without going into too much detail I've
had a number of "rock bottoms" or at 
least that's how they've felt. The sudden
death of my mother when I was 24 and having
my spouse tell me one day that he didn't want
to be married anymore.

These were abrupt unexpected events
that did bring me to a place of 
questioning everything. Leaving me feeling
fearful,vulnerable, wounded and uncertain.

The end of my marriage has been the
tipping point for me to do a lot of
healing work. It was either that or 
be taken down inside by the loss I felt.

It's been that journey that has helped
me realize there was another less abrupt
bottom going on for a long time.
I had been in a continuing state of "leaving"

This is where "rebuilding" has begun
for me. I realize there may be more bottoms
in this process, as I emerge out of the
old and into the new.  This is very scary.

Today I choose to look at bottoms as a
state of "falling into". I read that
somewhere. It seems more alive
as a perspective and I want to "live".

I think grace happens as a course
of "falling into". Perhaps that's
the very purpose of a "bottom". It
can "bring you to your knees" as they say.

In that sense these life altering
events are gifts because I have had
to surrender to the reality that
I can't heal myself and that I have
been wounded.

Reconnecting with my art and painting
are grace in action and I know that
because it's through my creativity
that I am getting my self back!
All I have to do is let it take over
and remove the stuff that was never mine to
begin with. That's not easy!

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